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i feel harsh and ugly

too much light exposing me

strained and exhausted with myself

deep shadows shrink and tighten

i am transparent and annoyed with myself

COMMENTS

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madamefate
23:26 Aug 27 2009

but I still love ya!!!

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MysticalChild
16:20 Aug 28 2009

aws

love ya too! :D

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the angry sun broils in it's fiery sky, it's furious face scorched by the inferno. i am a fool, and stare up through charred windows of the soul, i only want the briefest of glimpses. skin blisters and turns to ember, eyes sear and hair singes in air turned to flame. tendrils of smoke rise from vegetation and the soft soil turns to dusty ash. the flare in my sight flashes brighter, turning eyes to coal and bones into tinder that smolder and burn. bodies torch and blacken while buildings melt in on themselves.

so, the world is razed by a harsh smile from the hardness in your mind. still, i would touch your hysteria, though my frigid calm might turn to boiling perspiration and my frozen skin would become flushed and scarred. although i fear the heat in your eyes would cool and the ice floe would exhaust the bonfire in your flesh, i would crawl into your madness. but, heat overcomes ice as reluctantly as cold envelopes the fire. now and then, my glaciers submit to magma and once in a while your sea of fire is consumed by the whiteout....

if there could be a balance of fire and ice, i wouldn't endure a scalding with every meaningful gaze and you wouldn't suffer frostbite with every meaningful word.

well fuck yeah i'm annoyed, what did you expect?

you tell me 'photography is a world i don't belong in' and then disappear like photography and i are symbiant beings.

like i am only defined by my camera.

sure, it's something i love, my expression of myself, a HUGE part of my life and an interest you and i shared.

i sent you mail, expressing my hope that you are well and when the response was silence i accepted it

so you figure we have nothing in common past photography and you don't feel like doing it anymore.

alright, fine.

i have other 'friends' that i only share photography with, no worries if that's all we had too.



but don't come back apologizing and speaking like you are doing me a favor in even acknowledging my existence.

glad you are still alive, but that's about it at this point.



you've done this before.. right about this time LAST year if i recall...



i may be inclined to be acquiescent, but i'm not going to be taken advantage of.



piss off

then i come back to reality, satisfied and secure with the life i have chosen..

putting the past to bed, with the treacheries of the heart and all it's nightmares and dreams.

this is where i am and where i will stay, unless i am forced to move.

lost loves that appear perfect slide back to where they belong, and solid reality of a stable, supportive, imperfect relationship that is more than love becomes focused

my weakness will return... he always does... through no fault of his own, and we will fight another battle in a war that neither will win.

the flesh is not made to resist temptation so we will wave our white flags and go to our separate corners in the world, until our paths cross again.

this is how it will be, because my honor is more important than my wants and his respect for my honor is more important than sex. so we are safe.. but not safe enough to be more than this.

i wave good bye, he kisses my cheek and we part company again, until we try once more for something that resembles friendship, that will ultimately end with the same wave and kiss it always has.

we're just waiting for the chemical reactions to stop making life difficult.

"the feeling of love is merely chemical reactions in the brain that last for about two years to ensure the continuation of the human race"



i expected those chemical reactions in my brain to explode

then i also expected them to run their course, and to fade away...

to transform the emotion into just another relatively happy hazy, and probably inaccurate, reflection of the past. a glimpse as to what might have been.

but they are stubborn. i continue to have 'love' for an opportunity long past. a creature that just couldn't be captured, due to circumstances beyond either of our control. seven years of longing... and still the chemicals mix every time we speak.



my issues, my health, my insecurities ground the hope into dust, but still he gives smiles and tells me he still cares and wants. his life, his circumstances, forced us into a decision of 'long lost love', but still my heart beats quicken when i see his name or hear his voice.

i haven't really moved on, as much as i like to pretend.. part of me is still stuck there in that endless song, a soundtrack we made for ourselves replays over and over.. i find myself always in the same place.



i scoff at 'eternal love' and yet wonder why my own chemical reactions won't burn themselves to ember.

life gives nothing if not surprises.

i mourn the what could have been's and the children that will not be born to us.

each time i know the ache will become debilitating, yet, still... i am comforted, warmed, elated every time he touches my life...

he is my nightmare, here to flay me open and tie me with bonds i eagerly accept, he is the fire i continue to throw myself into... i accept the burning in return for the bliss



each time i find myself vowing never to come here again, to this place of madness, where i see my own torture reflected by the one i swore i would never hurt... i made that promise long ago to the boy with the eyes... but always the selfish child, i submit to the overwhelming need to hear one word, to see one smile, to be touched and touch another soul so deeply and come to him again and again



i find myself praying he will find someone else, so the pain will become mine and mine alone, then maybe the cycle will stop... as much as i want and loath it to, but he has not. he says he won't even try.



so it continues, at it has for as long as i can remember



he is the sun, lonely and dreaming,

he is the rain that falls on my world..

he is the sun and he's not moving for you.

i successfully tracked down and purchased the last G71GX available east of New York city at this time (or so the internet tells me)

ONE best buy in Dallas had ONE left even though bestbuy.com said none of them did

i wonder what else they are lying about

but i can't bring myself to care

no waiting weeks and weeks for a new laptop!

and no more failing display drivers in the middle of photo work!

sweet.

i've become so critical, the cynic in me rising again.. rolling my eyes at people and their petty squabbles, their name calling and the drama they all love to much about in so much. just so they can post it on their facebooks, their myspaces, their live journals and their vampire raves.



not many see the big picture anymore... but it's human nature to think you are the most important thing to ever have crawled out of the shit. well you're not, and i'm not. no one is. pieces of a whole, that it all. that's just the way it is.



although it does make me happy in my relative solitude.

where, while i don't get much human interaction, at least what i do get is drama free and enjoyable.

reminds me that being ignored is often the best.. if no one notices, then no one cares and if no one cares then i don't have to either... i can live my life the way i want, and how i want is pretty simple. away from the people who revel in the small things that amount to nothing in time. the things that make you look foolish...

people who i used to call friends..

doing the same things i can remember being a part of that still make me cringe.

i'd be a tree-hugging, peace preaching hippy if i could stand being around other hippies without rolling my eyes at them

so instead i'll be a lazy recluse with the 'whatever' attitude.

maybe i'll chunk rocks at people walking down the street.



oh hey, does Ray Park kick ass in the new GI Joe film?

but then, he always kicks ass..



my brain has corroded.

COMMENTS

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chrysanthemia
17:09 Aug 15 2009

You're never ignored. smiles. i don't see why you would be.



and don't worry about those and their squabbles. i know it's hard to ignore, but remember: when you get to the Pearly Gates, St Peter isn't going to ask you what anyone else was doing.



Hugs.

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MysticalChild
07:09 Aug 16 2009

you are such a sweet heart ;]

and so right too!

sometimes the things people around me get so upset over are so small in the grand scheme of things... i lose my own perspective ;]

thank you darling

*hugs*

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madamefate
05:58 Aug 18 2009

*rubs head* owwww someone chucked a rock at my head :( :P

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MysticalChild
05:24 Aug 19 2009

hahahahaha!

oh madamefate.. you give me the best laughs ;]

you are awesome ;]

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i found what i want! oh yes. it is gorgeous.

all sleek and back and blue and big...

but it's on back order.

Fry's doesn't have it, Best Buy has it online if you want it next month but not in any store out side of New York, and Aspire Technology Solutions doesn't have it

i dun wanna wait for weeks and weeks

i am sad :(

so my darling laptop has decided to turn on me. the display driver keeps failing and making me restart..

imagine if you will, i'm working on a collage in photoshop for a client... i've got all my adjustments done and i'm just playing with the layout and my display driver fails.

lame.

lame. lame.

lame. lame. LAME.

ugh.

so it's suggested i make a trip to Dallas this coming Saturday and spend some time and more than a few dollars in Fry's ( i love Fry's.. mmm pretty computer bits... even if i know not what to do with said bits)

anyway, i can't decide if i want to. which is also lame.

i've had my fujitsu for a few years now and i like it ;]

however, failing display drivers make my blood boil

i'm being offered a new computer... a Mac even... if i decide i want one...

i've mentioned before that Macs attracted me for the photo working element, but still i am reluctant.

i'm rough on computers obviously, i dropped this one within a week of purchase and jammed a usb port well enough to cause it to stop working.

i'm thinking maybe keep this one for web stuff, since the display driver freaking doesn't bother me when i'm just killing boredom or checking e-mail, (besides it only really decides to have a stroke when i am doing things that involve heavy graphic usage)

and i could make my new one strictly for photo work...

that is if i'm not overcome by it's brilliancy and become infatuated with it's shiny newness.

pfft... who am i kidding?

this one will find it's place right next to the Vaio i have installed with Kubuntu... i haven't touched it since i bought this one.

poor lil Fujitsu, your time is done.